During the holidays, I like to keep my mind flooded with complaints: hate holiday food, hate holiday shopping, hate holiday crowds, hate holiday traffic, hate holiday parties, hate holiday party small talk, hate holiday cheer. Scrooge, scrooge, scrooge. I’ve been broke and alone on holidays so I know that now, while I’m in my warm, pajama’d, made-up ritual of a holiday, someone else is having just another cold day. I spend November and December with my forehead fixed in a permanent frown and all the muscles of my body tense up; my scapulas freeze in place.
This year I dug deep to uncover my emotional graveyard. Every
time I have an unusually strong emotional response to something, I do some introspection
about when it started, why I’m still choosing to react, and how to move past
it. This time, here’s the skeleton I found: The holiday season represents
everything I judge about myself. One of my deepest fears is that I will
be seen as a lazy, boring, stressed out superficial glutton. The holidays
represent exactly that to me: lounging around being lazy, having nothing important
to do, filling it with unnecessary errands in crowded lines, bantering about
the weather, and stuffing my face with food that makes me double over in pain(too
much cheese anyone?).
How ironic that this
season is supposed to be a celebration. Ironic because my experience of
unconditional love is exactly that: celebrating a person for simply being,
shadows and all. It occurred to me that I could re-craft the holidays as a time
for me to forgive myself, a time to appreciate love that is judgment-free, no matter how sloth-like
or food-stuffed I feel.
This realization was a big grateful teary-eyed heart-opener
for me. But… then I came to a choice.
If I let go of my story about how horrible the holidays are,
I become a different person. Jolly? Chipper? Ew. Being a grinch had become
comfortable for me. I knew what bent-out-of-shape felt like in my body. And it
was my crutch to prove that I was serious and aware of the world’s poor, sick
and lonely. How could I now embrace the
holidays in a way that feels genuine?
So this is where I am now: I’m pondering how I can be
mindful of others and forgiving of myself. Here’s what I’m asking myself: If I
had no self-judgment, what would my posture look like? If I had no fear, how
would I walk? If I chose to design a different story about the holidays, one of
ease and love, how would I feel?
What a gift, this season, to allow me to practice loving and
being loved.
I was a holiday hater. And it was because I loved it so much that I hated how it was being manipulated into this monstrous thing! It became so stressful trying to get everything done! But the truth is I love being with my family. I love the excuse to get together with friends. I love stuffing my face with rich foods (more cheese please?)! And this year... with plenty of time to spare I have mailed all the cards, wrapped all the presents, cleaned the house... Now I can sit back and enjoy it all. ~Signed by a reformed Grinch
ReplyDeleteP.S. I hugs you later, yes?
I love that you love it. There's hope for me! By next year I may be ready to blast the holiday tunes.
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